Focus On Yourself: Selfishness Doesn’t Mean You Have To Hurt Others

Haven’t you got sick of thinking about others and losing control of your life? What was the last time you gave yourself a chance to focus on yourself, completely?

Don’t you know the answer? It is okay.

At least, it was, until now. Because enough is enough. Don’t you feel too, it is time to start to take care of yourself.

So, focus on yourself. Trust me, this is going to be good for everyone around you as much as going to be good for you. Because once you start to focus on yourself, you will take back control of your life and will start to see everything crystal clear. This will help you to take better actions in your life and improve your relationships.

I started to be aware of all this in my early thirties. When I was successful in everything. Life was going well on all levels. I had the perfect picture in people’s eyes.

I was working for a good company as a manager. I was making good money. I was traveling, at least 5 or 6 times a year and one of them was definitely traveling abroad. I had a marriage with no problem, and there was an adorable kid on the way.

I was doing well, according to the opinions of others.

But when it comes to the feelings inside me, unfortunately, something was wrong. With all that success and achievements, I was not satisfied, not feeling fulfilled. 

So I decided to change my perfect structure and take over control of my life. I decided to change the direction of my life to the way I always wanted.

How To Focus On Yourself: Tips Leans On My Experiences

how to focus on yourself

It was hard.

After I live around 30 years for others and not reflect what was happening inside me to them, it was hard for people to understand why I am doing this now. So many times I questioned my decision during the process and wanted to stop focusing on my needs and turn back to the “old me” that people like.

I’m glad, I didn’t. Because finally, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, it took time for people to get used to the new me.

Yes, it took time to put things in a better way.

Yes, it was the hardest period of my life, and still didn’t pass, and the pandemic doesn’t help at all.

But worth the effort.

Now, I don’t know what the future will bring to me. I know one thing though. The future will bring to me things that I want, not the things I want because of others.

“I was the most dangerous human in the world. I was waiting like a bomb, and eventually, I exploded. I exploded hard.”

It doesn’t have to be like this for you. Focusing on yourself doesn’t mean that you have to harm people around you. At least, you need to be careful to give less damage as much as you can. You know there are ways to defuse bombs and save lives.

Here in this article, I will explain how this process can be carried out better. What could I do better in this process? How to focus on yourself in a better, less harmful way? How to take steps slowly but decisively? How to prepare for this battle and get a fort without firing a shot? Here we go.

Accept That It Is Going To Be Hard

You have to be prepared for hard times. Especially if you are going to confront people when they have no clue about what you are going through. But don’t forget this. Once you decide to focus on yourself, there is no way to quit. You need to be mentally prepared.


“There is no victory without sacrifice.”


People will try to dissuade you and will give you advice about how you are going in the wrong way. They will try to convince you that there is no need to change yourself. No matter how much you say you love yourself in this way, they will keep insisting that you are wrong.

Because people are inherently selfish. They won’t understand the new you and they will say they don’t understand because they care about you.

So, accept that it is going to be hard. Prepare yourself for everything. Determine what your actions will be when you face people. People know someone that they used to know and now you will try to show a new you to them. They won’t accept, at the beginning. But it will be worth the effort.

Don’t let the process discourage you. Keep this in mind, in the end, you can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.

Take The Responsibility

Actually, this is obvious, right?

You will decide to focus on yourself more after all those years and people will be in shock. And you are the one who is responsible for that. Naturally, you will need to take responsibility for your actions.

Unfortunately, this is not happening like that. Taking this responsibility is a huge burden. So it is not as easy as it sounds. You will want to run away from responsibility by creating excuses.

When people call you, you won’t want to answer the phone.

When people want to talk with you, you will run away.

When people want to help you, you will stop them.

Because you will think they won’t understand. And to be honest, it is true. They won’t. But this is not the way to show your determination. People won’t believe you are serious until you take responsibility for your actions.

Not done yet. Saying you take responsibility won’t be enough. You need to show them you are moving on and this decision is affecting your life in a better way. And you need to be consistent to show this to them.

Don’t Fall Into Emotional Trap

I am not saying you need to be harsh on people. Just the opposite, you need to be soft on people during this process. But this doesn’t mean it is okay to fall into the emotional trap. It is going to be a disaster if you do.

Because falling into the emotional trap won’t help you to focus on yourself more. It will make you weak during the process. You will start to think about people around you more than yourself, unintentionally.


“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

― Steve Jobs


Don’t do that. Find the balance between your emotions and your needs. Helping people doesn’t mean you need to give up on your dreams. You should know when to start protecting yourself from emotions.

Stop Explaining

There is only one person who can question you about your decisions and that person is you. Other than yourself, no one has the right to question what you are going to do with your life. Because even your closest ones don’t know what you have inside you.

This makes sense, right? I mean, you are independent. Why on earth should you explain yourself to others in an ideal world?

Unfortunately, the reality is different. We feel responsible for the people around us. This is why we are trying to explain ourselves to them before we give critical decisions. And every time they don’t understand, this creates scars in our souls.


“Don’t chase, don’t beg, don’t stress, don’t be desperate, just relax. When you relax, it will come to you. Make your wants, want you.”


Stop explaining. At least don’t do it over and over again. Once you explain yourself, then it is up to them to understand or not. Let them come to you, as they are, as you want them to be.

Take Actions

Instead of explaining, fight for what you are passionate about. You know what they say: 


“Actions speak louder than words.”


I know, it is going to be hard. Each action you take that will help you to focus on yourself more, will hurt people. They will be angry with you because of this and will show their guns to stop you. I experienced this first hand.

But trust me, their bullets won’t harm you. At least not as much as you harm yourself every minute you live for others. So, bear with it. Show what you stand for by taking action towards that goal.

Stop Overthinking

Stay in the moment. Enjoy life. Know the value of what you have… These were the sentences I got sick of hearing. When someone says one of those sentences, I was always like:

Stay in the moment, okay, but how?

How can I enjoy life while I am having this much trouble on my plate?

Know the value of what you have… Well, I am not happy enough with what I have!

I kept thinking about all of these by dreaming to find a solution to my problems. Until one day I decided to focus on myself more than everything. The very first thing I did to make this happen was to stop overthinking.


“Thinking too much leads to paralysis by analysis. It’s important to think things through, but many use thinking as a means of avoiding action.”

– Robert Herjavek


So, I suggest you stop overthinking about your past and also your possible future. Take actions, and move on. There is no need to concern about the future and also no need to let your past stop you. This way of thinking will help you to focus on yourself more.

Don’t Be Harsh On Yourself

You want to focus on yourself more. This doesn’t have to be something wrong just because people don’t understand what you want or why you really want this.


“We are coming to this life once. There is no need to torture ourselves.”


They will always keep thinking that they are pushing you for something good. They will always say that they want you to stay the same because they want to protect you. And this will be your weakest point. You won’t be able to stop being harsh yourself. Because you will be questioning yourself like:

“Am I letting people down?”

After 2 years of hard experience with people around me, I can tell you that there is no need to be harsh on yourself just because you want something that will make you happier than ever. No, you are not letting people down. You are helping yourself to get up.

This might seem a bit selfish. But it is okay. Because selfishness is not always bad. Sometimes you need to be selfish to protect yourself.

Keep Your Eyes And Ears Open

So many times I told you “do what you want” in this article and I am not taking any step back about it. There is one thing I need to add though. Always keep your eyes and ears open. So you can evaluate your actions according to your needs.

After you decide to focus on yourself more, instead of closing your eyes and ears to everyone, start to observe the behaviors of people around you to understand who you can trust in this journey.

What are they saying and doing?

Are they willing to help you?

Do they really want you to be happy?

Get the answers of these questions by watching them. This may sound a bit tricky. But I am sorry but no one (yes, even your mom or spouse) is concerned about you more than you are. You can’t trust anyone with blind eyes.

When I first started to take action to focus on myself, I fell into that trap. I thought people who love me will support me in this journey. I didn’t listen to what they were saying. I didn’t try to understand what they wanted between the lines.

The result? Disappointment. Besides, disappointment was not only for me, for them as well.

This is why you always need to keep your eyes and ears open. Don’t trust anyone too much. Put trust in yourself and go on your own way.

Don’t Be Ignorant

I need to explain something in addition to the last one. When you try to keep your eyes and ears open to understand who is supporting you, try to use this to your advantage as well.

Don’t be ignorant.

There will be people that will try to explain to you how you can reach your goals. But unfortunately, you will be so tired of listening to people and will ignore what they are saying. 

So, once again, don’t be ignorant.

No matter how hard it is try to listen to everyone around you and catch beneficial tips that will work for you. You can’t know where you can get beneficial values that will make you focus on yourself more.

Be Patient

Everything needs time. There is no magic wand that will change your life the minute you start to focus on yourself. You were the one who wanted to focus on yourself more, right? So…

Be patient.

Your time will come. You will feel it is coming in every minute you focus on yourself. Because when you start to design everything around you according to your needs, life will start to act in accordance. Life will give you what you want.

Be patient.

There will be ups and downs. Bear with them. Listen to yourself and try to understand what you really want, not the others. Focus on your needs. Don’t fall into the emotional trap and start focusing on others over again.

Be patient.

Your time will come.


This was all. In this article, I explained how to focus on yourself in a better, less harmful way. I wrote this article by leaning on experiences I obtained through my journey. Some of them might fit you, some of them might not. In the end, you can’t know without trying.

In case you try them, let me know the results in the comments section below. Also, please share with us your experiences to inspire people that are reading this article and trying to find different solutions!

Furkan Patan

Digital Marketer & Traveller. Blogger @HowToMotivateMe & @OlmeGormeden

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